Most sexual assault is perpetrated by people we know, not by some mysterious stranger. It’s not straightforward. We don’t want to believe that someone we know would intentionally harm us, but that’s exactly who has the means to do it. Our social bonds are complex. Our feelings are messy. We (hopefully) don’t go around assuming our friends and family and community members are out to get us. We assume they have good intentions. We don’t want to “cause problems” or “ruin” anyone’s life. We don’t want to create waves. We want to understand. We want to heal. We know that it can take 4-7 tries for someone to leave an abuser for good. We’re expected to keep family members in our lives no matter how horribly they treat us. Why are we made to believe that sexual violence is invalidated by maintaining a social relationship with a perpetrator?
We are not believed. We are questioned. We are poked and prodded. We are told that our account is subjective and unreliable. We are told that the other person’s words carry just as much weight as (or even more than) our own. We are told over and over that the minute possibility that we are lying overrides the overwhelming probability that we are speaking the truth. We are told that what happened to us wasn’t “that bad,” that we are overreacting, or that we misunderstood. They said it was consensual. He-said-she-said. Case closed. It is easier to accept that someone would invent an assault than that someone would commit one. The reality is uncomfortable and if we just pretend hard enough we can still feel safe.
We don’t always know what did happen to us. Most rape is “unacknowledged.” Victims assume it was a “misunderstanding” or a “bad time” or that it’s their own fault for not being clear enough or drinking too much or wearing the wrong clothes. Victims minimize their experiences and perpetrators downplay their actions.
“…[M]ore men will admit to sexually coercive behaviors and more women will self-report victimization when behavioral descriptions are used (Koss 1998) instead of labels. Indeed, some men will endorse items asking whether they have used force to obtain intercourse, but will deny having raped a woman.”
It can take a long time to process an experience. Denial, dissociation, memory repression—these are all methods our brains use to protect us. These are normal responses to trauma, not signs that we are confused or untruthful. Add to that the suspicion and gaslighting we face upon disclosure, and it’s no wonder we start to second-guess ourselves. How could anyone else believe us if even we have a hard time doing so?
Oftentimes silence feels safe—you can’t see the monster in the room if you squeeze your eyes shut. But if we speak up, if we listen, we can turn on the lights and banish the darkness.
Sources
Thompson, R. (2021, August 26). Unacknowledged rape: The sexual assault survivors who hide their trauma – even from themselves. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/aug/26/unacknowledged-the-sexual-assault-survivors-who-hide-their-trauma-even-from-themselves
Edwards, S. R., Bradshaw, K. A., & Hinsz, V. B. (2014). Denying rape but endorsing forceful intercourse: Exploring differences among responders. Violence and Gender, 1(4), 188–193. https://doi.org/10.1089/vio.2014.0022